Why Online Dating Is Unnatural And Doesn’t Often Work 2023

Updated: January 26, 2023

Based on the most recent data, one-third of Americans have used a dating app at some point. Previous data showed that 19% of all internet users are using some type of online dating. So, many people are familiar with the various apps and sites, which include Tinder, Bumble, OK Cupid, Plenty of Fish, Cove, and others.

1. Online Dating Is Too Logical And Conscious

Attraction is highly emotional. We decide whom we like in the older parts of our brains, the emotional centers (often called “the limbic system”). We have a saying “attraction is not a choice,” which means you can’t intellectually “think” your way into (or out of) attraction. You can choose whom you date and your actions resulting from attraction, but you can’t choose attraction.

2. Charisma Matters

Charisma is important in assessing attraction. Charisma can be thought of as presence, warmth, and power. This is very hard, if not impossible, to assess online, and even harder from a few photos and a brief bio (if you are even screening for that at all). So, dating apps simply can’t reasonably determine if that person you’re evaluating is charismatic.

3. Smell Matters

You may not know it, but scent is critical for human attraction. While there is debate whether humans have or respond to pheromones (basically love chemicals that some animals clearly have), smell still seems to play an important role in attraction and compatibility, and it’s largely outside of our conscious awareness.

4. Personality Matters

This overlaps with charisma, but includes other factors like kindness, attitude, intelligence, and even woman smelling red flowerquirkiness or something unique that just pulls you to that person. You can kind of figure out personality from a dating profile, but it’s challenging and not accurate. Why? Because in person you’re evaluating personality from more than just words; you’re likely picking up a vibe from a person’s mannerisms and body language, impossible to gauge accurately online.

5. Rapport (And Time) Matter

The biggest issue with online dating is that a true connection requires rapport. Despite the surge of online dating’s popularity, only 39% of couples met online (warning: pdf), with more people still meeting in real life.I believe this is because rapport is often necessary for a connection to develop. The way most people build rapport is by spending time together, although I do believe it can be built more quickly, but that’s not very common.


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