Updated: February 5, 2023
SCENE 1. A sports bar near Union Square in Manhattan. KERRY is sitting with MATT at an intimate table for two.
KERRY: O, Matt of Astoria,
How pleasant to meet you here,
At this bar, which I selected particularly for
Our special rendezvous.
Also it is where I meet all my Tinder dates
For the first time
Because I am comforted by routines.
Pray tell, hath ye siblings?
MATT: I do not know if you meant
To tell me that last thing about the bar but –
Indeed! I shall describe my older sister.
BARTENDER: I hath seen this woman often
At our establishment but
Each time she doth converse with
A different brown-haired gentleman,
Perchance seeking love or
At least someone with whom to watch
She always orders Bell’s Two Hearted Ale
But, lo, I will pretend I do not know.
Exeunt KERRY, MATT, and BARTENDER.
– – –
SCENE 2. The same sports bar. KERRY is sitting with ANDREW at the same table for two.
KERRY: God speed, good Andrew of Bushwick!
Until our merry chat this eve,
I did not know so much about
Walking meditation, the keto diet,
And Karl Ove Knausgaard. Thank you
For your teachings!
ANDREW: O, it is my pleasure to explain
My hobbies! Shall we have a second round?
BARTENDER: Though I expect anoth’r order of
Bells Two Hearted, I won’t say anything until
The lady states her drink order, for she and I have
A tacit understanding.
Flourish. Exeunt KERRY, ANDREW, and BARTENDER.
– – –
SCENE 3. The sidewalk before the bar. Enter KERRY.
KERRY: (aside) O, as I approach the bar,
I feel a pitter-pat in my heart,
For dating fills me with such dread,
But at least I can count on
The predictable setting of
It hath proximity to many subway lines and
Ample seating. But where is the gentleman?
Would he ghost?
BRIAN: Hark, is it ye? O lady with
Whom I have texted?
You look somewhat like your
KERRY: Indeed, it is I, of Tinder!
At last we meet in person. I’m wearing my
First-date outfit, which is a sparkle top and
Pants, but nay, I just remembered that I
Did not tweeze my brows. Ah well — shall we to the bar?
BRIAN: By mistake you may have said that part about your
Brows out loud? I will pretend I didn’t hear.
If only we could go inside. The lights are dark and it is empty.
Methinks it is shut down?
KERRY: Alack! Can it be so?
I will approach the door and try
To open it.
KERRY: But this place was
So full whenst I was here on another date
Last Tuesday! And many Tuesdays
Before that, for this is date 500. O, woe!
BRIAN: Again, did you mean to share with me
That info? I’ll set this red flag aside, for you and I like
The same band and hath exchanged lively cat GIFs.
Perhaps we can alight to another bar in the area?
KERRY: I am afeared it is not possible for
I must sit at my special table!
Thunder. KERRY collapses to the sidewalk. She shudders and foams at the mouth. BRIAN calls 911.
Enter EMERGENCY MEDICAL TECHNICIANS.
EMERGENCY MEDICAL TECHNICIANS:
Let us secure her
To a gurney
Away from this,
The date bar that closed
Before she was able
To meet a husband.
Whilst we are here,
Perhaps we also can
Take care of those brows.
BRIAN watches as KERRY is carted away. He flees. Enter GHOST.
GHOST: I am the ghost of this bar.
I was doing my nightly float
Whenst I o’erheard on the sidewalk a
Dating calamity! This woman hath put forth
A noble effort to meet each Tinder man
At this, a conveniently located sports bar.
But, in folly, she hath expected this place
To stay open until her nuptials. E’en if that
Would take decades. If only she had
Checked Yelp beforehand or
Tried to mix it up and meet dates
At different venues. And perhaps,
She could have been more flirty
At the grocery store.