Updated: August 14, 2022
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By Morgan Sung
Raise your hands if you’ve ever wanted to fuck a can of Four Loko.
Nobody? None at all?
Nobody — not a single soul — asked for it, but two deeply cursed brands have teamed up for a historic collaboration that’s sure to lead to regrets all around: A Four Loko Fleshlight.
Selling for the perfectly reasonable price of $69, the toy is sure to bring back all the adolescent memories you’d probably prefer to forget. What’s more reminiscent of painfully awkward sexual awakenings than sticking your dick in things that you should never have stuck your dick into? You don’t need to risk the cuts and scrapes from making love to a soda can — now, you can safely make your fantasy a reality thanks to Fleshlight’s textured “Mini-Lotus” canal.
The Fleshlight is packaged in Four Loko’s classic camo-print label. Screw off the cover, and then screw your can of Four Loko.
An announcement about the collaboration names Steve Jobs and Leonardo Da Vinci as the product’s inspirations. It’s the brainchild of Pizzaslime, a meme-fueled brand whose streetwear brand has been worn by Diplo and Ryan Gosling.
It also comes with a brown paper bag so you can confidently carry your Four Loko Fleshlight in public.
“We at Fleshlight believe in freedom, fantasy and the pursuit of pleasure,” Fleshlight CEO Steve Shubin said in a press release. “This unique collaboration will allow us to spread our much-needed message throughout the culture in exciting new ways.”
Who hasn’t fantasized about thrusting into a freshly opened can of alcoholic, caffeinated soda? This hellish collaborations provides the freedom to finally do so.
“In short, YOU ARE WELCOME WORLD,” the press release said.